To Feel or Not to Feel: The Exposing Effects of COVID-19 on Avoidance

Living through a pandemic is incredibly difficult. Everywhere you look, you see another announcement about the virus, people getting sick, new orders from the government, people fighting on the internet, economic difficulties, and you name it. COVID-19 has likely changed the way we will operate for a considerable amount of time, and people are trying to process this trauma in numerous ways. Let’s take a moment to discuss one of these ways that we might process the pain of COVID-19 that could eventually backfire and assert there is a richer and more meaningful way of processing this experience that might lead to greater mental and spiritual development.

Avoidance. What a strange concept to apply to emotions and COVID-19! Psychologically speaking, avoidance occurs when an event/situation is too difficult to endure, and to rid ourselves of the pain, we search for methods to get away from that pain as fast as humanely possible. This can be done through a myriad of numbing strategies such as drug/alcohol issues, sexual addiction, work, exercise, internet, school, eating, sarcasm, minimizing statements, and the list just goes on and on. Most of the time, this happens outside of our conscious awareness through old dusty archaic patterns that we likely developed when we were children.

It can actually be a pretty nifty psychological maneuver that, when used correctly, can be a coping skill that is helpful in the short-term, but over the long-term, it is a different story. It can steal your capacity for joy and intimacy just as quick as it can steal your pain, and actually, I would argue it doesn’t truly take away the pain. The pain just sits there, festers, and decides to come out in adverse ways at inconvenient times. Avoidance promises that you will be safe from pain or shame, but eventually, those isolated and unwanted feelings will hurt you. 

Let’s get a little more personal. I’ve had avoidant tendencies for as long as I can remember and attempted to escape from my negative emotions through numerous methods. During this pandemic, I have struggled with anxiety about finding a job. Graduating from seminary into the midst of a pandemic with the threat of recession looming ahead was not something I had anticipated. The anxiety, impatience, and feelings of inadequacy that arose have tempted me to fall back into old patterns of avoidance and disconnection to escape. At times, this option feels easier, less vulnerable, and safer. However, I am learning that running away from my fears and anxieties doesn’t actually make them go away, but learning to be curious, non-judgmental, reflective, and open about my feelings with God and others has helped calm my anxiety, leading to a deeper and more present way of being. I continuously need to be reminded that there is hope, even amidst the storm.

During this trying season, we might feel tempted to avoid and diminish our difficult feelings, which include anxiety over our jobs & getting sick, sadness for what has been lost (like gathering as a community), or stress over the economy. Another example might be to minimize the difficulties faced and make trite (hopefully well-meaning) statements that, while theologically true, are not helpful to those in pain. But, it does not have to be this way. As humans, we were designed with a capacity to feel a deep and wide range of emotions. In life, there is a season for everything as we are told in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

It is good to be able to weep, to mourn, to lament, to laugh, to love. We have been given a beautiful gift to be able to feel the deep and wide range of emotions that God has granted us. Not only can these difficult emotions be experienced in healthy ways during trials, those same trials that produce difficult emotions can increase your capacity to grow more into the image of God and increase your love of God and neighbor. As James tells us in chapter 1, trials will produce steadfastness and perseverance, both of which are needed traits as we journey through life. Thus, avoidance actually hinders our development! This doesn’t mean dealing with difficult emotions during this season will be easy. Typically, this is an incredibly painful journey to trek, but it is worth it.

If, during this time, you find the urge to run away and hide from your painful feelings by binging The Office and checking out, just know that this season can be a catalyst for deeper intimacy with the One who created you and desperately loves you. It might help to quietly and non-judgmentally check in with yourself once a day, being committed to radical openness and honesty, and start a journal where you jot down different thoughts and feelings. As well as this, discussing your difficult feelings with someone trusted, whether it be a spouse, friend, pastor, spiritual director, or counselor, can be a beautiful and worthwhile step towards participation in the restoration of the imago Dei within you. I pray for you during this painful, yet worthwhile and meaningful journey. I promise you it’s worth it.

- Josiah Greever