Stages of Quarantine Grief

Stage 1: Knowledge

Having previously lived in China for three years, I had friends who notified me early on about the new coronavirus and the seemingly outrageous restrictions being put in place across their country. For a while it felt like I was ahead of the curve on knowledge of what was coming, but it turns out extra awareness was not enough to prepare me for my experiences in quarantine.

As a five on the enneagram, I take comfort and identity from knowing facts and numbers. When the first cases appeared outside of China and in the United States, I did my best to stay informed. While part of me was already sad for the tens of thousands infected in China and those starting to be affected elsewhere, I think I largely distracted my heart and mind by studying and analysis.  

Stage 2: Confusion

 At some point, however, the numbers and facts about the virus stop being effective as a coping mechanism and just add to the feeling of being overwhelmed. Just when the numbers were becoming monotonous, and I realized I would have to face my emotions eventually, I received a message that changed everything. My childhood best friend told me that his younger sister had died unexpectedly. I grew up seeing her almost every week, and now suddenly she was gone. On top of that, my best friend’s grief seemed impossible for me to fully comprehend or sympathize with. Suddenly my feeling of helplessness in that situation swelled together with the suppressed tide of pandemic-related emotions to become a series of waves of confusion that continuously overwhelmed me.

As people attempted to comfort me, messages like ‘how terrible’ or ‘maybe something good will eventually come from this’ or ‘I’ll be thinking and praying for you and for their family’ honestly weren’t much help, as true or well-intentioned as they might have been. To make matters worse, I felt equally helpless in my ability to comfort my friend and his family in their loss. I also found myself thinking of other family members, friends, and college students who struggle with anxiety and depression, and I wondered where God was in the midst of all of it and why He wasn’t acting sooner or more powerfully.

 Stage 3: Mourning for the presence of the Lord

 Somewhere in my confusion, I was reminded of Jordan’s sermon on the death of Lazarus and the invitation to call upon Jesus, especially when we are confused about His timing or feel like He isn’t there. Admittedly, despite spending prolonged time in prayer, at first nothing seemed to change. Slowly, however, I began to recognize the Lord working and meeting me in various ways: 

In our small group discussions about Keller’s Prayer, where he states, “In some ways prayer is simply connecting Jesus to your absolute helplessness, your sense of fragility and dependence… to pray is to accept that we are, and always will be, wholly dependent on God for everything” (p.128).

In the echoes of hurt, but also faith, from others in Advent’s virtual morning prayer. 

In the realization that Sara’s invitation from Ecclesiastes to enter the house of mourning was not a thought experiment but a reality, a place where wisdom about the brokenness of the world and the need to rely on God could both be found.

In scriptures on the power of presence.  One example is Job’s friends, who are best known for giving bad advice and misunderstanding the way God works. They actually started off well by deciding to go and be with Job, and “when they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (2:12-13). These friends were powerfully present for their friend Job in the midst of his suffering.

At the end of that book, God also shows up. It is the Lord’s presence, not a logical answer to suffering or explanation of future plans, which transforms Job’s life and gives him hope. The Lord’s presence in Scripture is often accompanied by fear and awe but also comfort and transformation. God is present with Moses at the burning bush and with the people of Israel in their exodus from suffering and enslavement in Egypt.  He is present in the temple as well as with the prophets whenever he is needed most. And God is most tangibly present with humanity at the cross where he takes on and redeems all the suffering and sin and brokenness of the world. Then God is present in new ways via the Holy Spirit working in the disciples and in the church. And God will be fully present when he renews the world one last time in the end.  

 In the face of the brokenness of pandemic, personal loss, and other injustices or suffering we encounter, thoughts alone will not provide the comfort we seek. Based on my experience in quarantine, however, I believe the Lord and His presence will ultimately comfort and redeem. By His grace, let us all continue to trust Him and to seek His presence through prayer, through the Word, and through His church body. Amen.

- Jason Rhine