The Voices in My Head

I had fully intended to reply and say something about how I didn’t have enough bandwidth to write anything for the Advent Journal. I was feeling that I had nothing left to give COVID. 

What instead came out were the voices that I have been hearing over the past 3 months, and permanently rattling around in my brain, and loudly. What came out in 15 minutes were the hurried, chaotic words of those around me. Some loving, some grieving, some angry, and many tired. 

These are the voices of others in COVID season. I am not sure what they mean. Perhaps in time I will. I know God’s voice is in there somewhere speaking truth.

“If it means that someone else could live from a freed up ventilator, my father would want that…he has lived an amazing life.  Please help my husband, he is the world to his nine children. We are ruling him out for COVID. Thank you for everything you all are doing. What about hydroxychloroquine? What do you mean I can’t visit my mother in the hospital, this may be the last time I ever can see her alive. When are you going to be home? The kids miss you. We are running out of masks.  I can’t come to visit him, I am the only one able to care for our child. What about Remdesivir? Free pizza in the break room. He lived through three deployments, and this is the thing that will kill him? Everybody please take a medallion, my mother had them blessed by the priest. We have been married for 67 years, I can’t imagine life without him. I need to be tested. I love you. God is the great healer. Your battery pack for your PAPR is almost dead.  Why is he not getting any better? These people are so sick. We lost 217 overnight. Are you finished with the COVID extubation guidelines?  I feel ashamed, I am certain I am the one who got my sister sick. The family has decided to withdrawal on 229. This is the worst CT scan I have ever seen. He wouldn’t want to be stuck on life support. How could he have COVID, we only went out to get groceries?  What happens if we run out of ventilators?  We are running out of gowns. Did you read the New England Journal of Medicine study that came out this AM, looks like hydroxychloroquine is a bust.  You are in our prayers every day.  I am pregnant, I hope I wasn’t exposed. My suspicion is low for COVID, but you know, we have to check everyone these days. Your team is in my prayers.  How is your family holding up?  I need to speak to my brother, why is no one calling back?  Why are there so many Asian patients affected? Why are there so many Hispanic patients affected? Why are there so many Black patients affected? She is a fighter, she raised 5 girls.  There are so many, they just keep coming. What? I can’t hear with this PAPR on. Intubate, line, line, prone. Rinse, lather, repeat. I need to transfer this patient to you, we are out of options. What can I do to help?  We need more PPE, why don’t they understand. Time of death 14:32. It is so hot in this gown. My father lives with me and he is frail, what if I bring this home with me from the hospital? Did you even go home last night?  She would want everything done possible. This is all a hoax. The COVID unit is full, we need to open up the overflow unit. Can you smell this scent, if so your N95 doesn’t fit.  Please don’t let my wife die. Is she getting any better? I know you’re gonna be surprised, but there is another COVID in the ED.  We have never been asked to do this before. I am so worried about my mother in New York. Free BBQ in the break room. What about convalescent serum? I am so tired of COVID. The coroner wants to know if this is COVID related? I lost my job and couldn’t handle it anymore, I just wanted it to be over. Free coffee in the breakroom.  Why is it taking so long to get the COVID test results back, it was sent over a week ago? I’m so glad you didn’t give up on that patient.  The nurses are worried about 441, his oxygen needs are increasing on the floor.  This seems unsafe. Thank you for all you have done, he is home now and doing great. I need the protocol draft of how to split a ventilator for 2 patients by morning. What about tocilizumab? I am gonna gain so much weight during COVID season. Did you hear 225 was finally discharged? The staff lined the hallway to say goodbye. I wonder if I already have antibodies, I would love to help out others.  Dad, when will coronavirus be over?”

I don’t know what all this means. Perhaps I will in time. But I am sure God is present in the middle of this somewhere. 

- Nate Little, MD

Pulmonary/Critical Care Physician